What if kindness, compassion, selflessness and love come authentically only after a process through trauma recovery? What if some forms of nice-ness are trauma responses often called "the fawn response" while kindness is a byproduct of healing? Are we being unrealistic when we ask others to be nice to us? Be nice. Be kind. Be... Continue Reading →
I am so glad there is a "word" for people like myself. My real people are those who aren't afraid of communication. "As many of us have found out, silence can be violence when it is used in an effort to wound. It is one of the most potent ways to cause deep suffering. And... Continue Reading →
After reading Marilyn Van Derbur's book, "Miss America By Day", it became clear to me that incest sexual abuse could very well be one of the hardest things anyone can go through since it is the kind of abuse we are most likely to deny and forget. And on top of the abuse, not only... Continue Reading →
I have a need (like all of us) to be seen, heard, and acknowledged. So, what can we do with this primal need when it comes to relationships? Looking deeply at myself in relations with others, I am wondering if it might be unrealistic to expect to feel seen when the other party is triggered.... Continue Reading →
Some traumas specifically teach us that people are objects to be used. Often, people are in "friendships" for the wrong reasons as a result. When we didn't get love growing up or if we are shut down emotionally (preventing any healing), we might need people not for friendship but for business. This is at the... Continue Reading →
I have a lot of wisdom on relationships --- not because I'm smart, but because I stink at relationships. I say this with a grin on my face because I know it's true. Slowly, very slowly, I learn about myself through my mistakes. If one door closes, another one opens and I get a new... Continue Reading →
You Will Be Too Much for some People. Those aren't your people. Says Glennon Melton. Grieve if you must if an ending shall be. Don't let this wisdom hold you from your grief. Don't use it to bypass emotions you need to express to heal earlier wounds. At the same time, take comfort in the... Continue Reading →
Paul Sunderland Talks About Adoption and Addiction... If I could ask anything of the world, it would be to better understand trauma. Today, more specifically adoption trauma. Why are some of us so hyper-vigilant in relationships? Why do some adult adoptees push others away before their friends get a chance to? Why are some of... Continue Reading →
In our social darwinistic dog-eat-dog-each-human-to-themself culture, needing help from family, friends, and surprisingly even (sometimes) professionals is unacceptable and something to be ashamed of, generally speaking. Many of us have been brought up to believe it is sexy to be fiercely independent. A badass is someone who works hard and gets it all done by... Continue Reading →
I just realized the other day that I value Truth over friendship. That is where I'm at now on my journey. Truth is the most important to me. Even the most painful difficult truths. I need truth in every aspect of my life. Truth, for me, is Life. I am ready to face reality at... Continue Reading →
It is believed that the more we heal from our past, the more mature and stable we become. This might be a myth. If we are doing the emotional body-centered cathartic healing work, our hearts might begin to open. Once our hearts start opening, we can become more susceptible to emotional and physical flashbacks. This... Continue Reading →
This is an old post I wrote a couple months ago when I still had my Facebook, so I will share it here as well. Today was a big day for me. I had a good deep release while my friend held space for me. After the release, a lot of insights started to rush... Continue Reading →
The tricky thing about boundaries is that I might have a boundary that conflicts with yours. Basically we all have some boundaries. The friendships that last are the ones in which both parties' boundaries do not conflict. An old friend of mine said that she preferred to do something this way, but there was no... Continue Reading →
Saying the "right" stuff vs being Real "When a friend comes to me because they’re upset about something I did, I want to say the right thing. So I think and think and analyze the facts. How can I take responsibility for what happened? How can I be mature about this situation? How can I... Continue Reading →
RELATIONSHIPS AND ATTACHMENT Religion and popular culture, as they exploit our trauma-based fear of relational pain, have been programming us to avoid attachments in the name of "spirituality" and "growth" for the longest time. We have all learned to keep people at arms length. Don't let anyone in. Keep relationships shallow and business like. Be... Continue Reading →
I am seeing it makes a lot of people confused when I talk about how important it is to accept people for who they are and where they are -- to allow people to have their own world viewpoints, their own diet, their own opinions. People think it means to accept being abused and accept... Continue Reading →
It's OK to take things personally sometimes to bring up those buried emotions from unhealed wounds of the past to the surface. We need to take things personally for our healing journey if you consider that. If someone has made you upset, it is not a weakness; it is a call to give full expression... Continue Reading →
A perfect way to see our past is through the relationships we have with others in the present. Wonky relationships in the present are sometimes associated with pathological relationships we have had with our role models growing up. We might normalize a dysfunctional upbringing (if we haven't completely repressed it) as a means to cope,... Continue Reading →
How not to be a victim and how to take responsibility for our own feelings and move to a place of empowerment. Change can only happen within and relationships with others help with that. This is why it's so important to have some semblance of a social life as others teach us inadvertently who we... Continue Reading →
It is easy to be kind to those who are just like us. But if we are the kind people we say we are, we will even be kind to those who are different from us. That is how true kindness works. Can you co-exist with someone who marches to a different drum? Or do... Continue Reading →
How can we expect to have a partner or a spouse in a relationship that works when we can't even be ourselves around that person? Do we really want to have a partner that doesn't think we are good enough as we are? If we have to modify our face, our hair, our clothes, our... Continue Reading →
Off the Beaten Path 