…and how to help people when they are down……
People can appear to be “stuck in victimhood”. To resolve this, ask yourself why this happens. When you feel you have the answer, but are still silently condemning or are still irritated or feel the need to lecture, then you might not know the real reason why. One day, you might discover THE REAL REASON why people look like they are “playing the victim” and this is the day, you will feel nothing but understanding and compassion.
Full disclosure: It annoys me too when I see people not moving fast enough, for my liking, through the recovery phase. I DO get annoyed and impatient and feel the need to give orders and I delude myself into thinking it’s because I care so I don’t have to own why I am doing it. I have found, through personal experience, that this harms, not helps. What I have also discovered is that my lecturing was all about me: I was trying to suppress the pain in ME that surfaced when others were “too slow” or not as wise as myself. Now, I keep my lectures to myself and wait for people to ask for advice before I give it; I let people decide for themselves what they need. Who am I to impose on another what someone might need? We all need different things, anyway. And those needs will change as we evolve and heal.
If we really want to save someone or be someone’s hero, the best thing to do is to stay in our own lane. This is THE hardest thing to do because lots of pain and frustration might surface. This frustration, in my opinion, are emotional flashbacks based on old repressed wounds that WE might have. It means we might not be well either. It means we might stuck too (and don’t know it probably because we repressed it). Our stuck-ness just might manifest differently.
“I just want to see them get better.” I get it. I do too. I want everyone to be well. Maybe resolving someone else’s mess is a distraction to keep me from working through my own messes. Also, it is hard to watch our brothers and sisters fall down and stay there for “too long”. I hate it too. The best thing to do in this situation is to ask the survivor what they need from you. “What do you need?” “How can I help you?” They will tell you. Honor that. Then you cannot go wrong. People look stupid when they are sick, but trust me, they are not stupid; they are just in pain that we might not be able to understand; they don’t always need advice. We don’t know anybody. We only know the information they have given us which is only a tiny bit of their FULL story, so how can we possibly know the right advice that will suit them? If you want people OUT of victimhood, let them be the victim for as long as they need to be because that temporary stage is necessary to go through in order to become the victor. If they die while in the victim stage of healing, then that’s the way it goes sometimes. Maybe if they had solid support (compassion, understanding, validation), they would still be alive? Nobody knows. It’s still not our business. We have to mind our own and know what happened was meant to be.
Motivation for this post: I actually had a friend who told me to stay in my own lane. I felt lots of shame and guilt. It was hard to hear and digest, but ya know? She was right. I thank her for the criticism as I really needed it! Our friendship ended as a result, but it was the wake-up call I needed.