An Alternative to Passive Aggression

A perfect way to see our past is through the relationships we have with others in the present. Wonky relationships in the present are sometimes associated with pathological relationships we have had with our role models growing up. We might normalize a dysfunctional upbringing (if we haven’t completely repressed it) as a means to cope, but a lot of what we normalize is not normal and as a result of the home we grew up in, we might be compelled to attract the familiar relationship-wise. In other words, our present sometimes might mirror our past and we might choose these people in our lives as a means to shake the tree of the past for an opportunity to heal from it. We might do this without even realizing it. Our soul craves to resolve unresolved issues. Have problems getting along with your spouse, partners, co-workers, family or friends? Relationship friction may not be so random. Relationship difficulties are probably often rooted in our forgotten past be in this lifetime or previous lifetimes.

Some of us might be passive aggressive because as children, we lost our voice. There are very few parents who allow their children to confront them with questions, feelings or problems…..all wind up being filed under the infamous catch-all we call “back talk”. If we talk back to our parents, the punishment can be devastating and in some cases, severe. Statistics even show those kids who were brave enough to confront their parents after being molested were either shamed, punished or not believed. For those who were encouraged, as children, to speak up, will as adults, have less problems working things out with friends.  However, for those who were discouraged and/or punished for their voices, will probably withdraw or become passive aggressive when relationship problems arise. When we have a question for a friend or need to confront them because we want to work things out, we can’t.

And then we wonder why kids don’t stand up for themselves. How can we wonder why we have such a disempowered population and not ever question the environment they grew up in?

It is normal, natural and necessary to speak up. We are born warriors.

Since we are all different, have different levels of consciousness, communicate differently, have different backgrounds and different conditionings, how can we ever expect to understand one another all the time? So, it should never be expected that two people will get each other all of the time. That’s normal. The healthy thing to do when problems arise is to confront our friends, partners or family members when there is a problem. If we don’t, our anger can turn to blood-red hatred and resentment.  By nature, we are designed to confront one another. When we choose not to, passive aggression might become the go-to tool for attempting to discharge that anger. …..But then, don’t we only make matters worse that way?

Oh yeah.

It’s healthy to communicate. People who really love one another also feel safe and trust one another enough to confront one another. If you think your friendship is really worth it, you will go out of your way to make communication happen. Why is the divorce rate so high? Could communication be a factor? How many people actually take the time to talk with one another? Relationships that are meant to be, find a way to communicate with one another. It’s how love works. What we have been taught about “love” is not really “love”. Love feels, love communicates, love questions, love is truth, love is trust, love is honest, and love is vulnerable. If passive aggression takes precedence over discussion, maybe we need to find new friends. That is my measuring stick anyway. If I can feel safe enough to confront someone, they are worth it. And if they feel safe enough to confront me, I will love them all the more.

If we learn how to communicate with one another, we won’t need passive aggression and gossip. Even better, to heal the reason we’re even passive aggressive in the first place.

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