My Path to Self-Love

If I seem proud of myself lately? You haven’t seen anything yet. I’ve still a long way to go! I grew up being told and conditioned that I was stupid, worthless, unwanted and a nobody. This was my upbringing. Nobody had confidence in me and as a child, I believed it and as a result, I didn’t have confidence in myself. I still don’t. I feign confidence to mask just how insecure I really feel inside.

The conditioning runs deep.

It has taken me decades to realize that I am not only not stupid, but I think I am intelligent. So, if I seem as if I am bragging on myself, well all I have to say is that it’s about time!! It’s about time I am realizing that I have gifts, I am capable, I am worthy, I am lovable, I am special. It’s about time I am now my OWN cheerleader! My husband’s been trying to tell me this since before we even got married. He was the first person in my life who has actually SEEN me and appreciated me for who I am. It has taken me decades to finally be proud of myself. And dare I acknowledge that out loud to the world! Dare I bust through the thick wall of social conditioning that tells me to hide and be modest. Dare I come out of hiding as there may be people who feel inadequate themselves and my open acknowledgments may offend them. I am tired of hiding.

When I was a younger adult, I used to pretend to be stupid just to keep people around me. Or I’d pretend to be stupid because if I said I was stupid first, that might prevent others from saying it. Those whom I grew up with did not think women should be smart. There was also jealousy as I had always been a deep thinker. I was supposed to have kids, supposed to clean the house and be ladylike and perform sexual favors on demand. Being discerning, contemplative, inquisitive, curious, philosophical, and analytical was unacceptable back in my day. So, I have always had to hide my intelligence and gifts to protect and please those who were more insecure than myself!

Enough already.

I’m sorry if you don’t think you’re intelligent. Try and find out who instilled that in you and like me, realize your inner knowing and wisdom and come out of it! We are all wise and the difference between you and I is whether you realize it or not!!

I was never known in my home. My mom “knew” me for almost 50 years and never knew me, never saw my gifts until she was on her deathbed,…. Now, that she is in Spirit, she realizes more than ever that I am capable. She sees now how badly she misunderstood me. Now that I am waking up, I am realizing what I need in my life and what I don’t need. I need people who can KNOW me. Someone who realizes my book smarts and my street smarts, and my questioning discriminating mind. Someone who sees my heart and sensitivity and adores it as much as I do. Someone who sees how lovable I am as I do. Someone who acknowledges and respects my healthy cynicism as well as my trusting open heart and appreciates that balance. Someone who knows I make mistakes but doesn’t make me rub my nose in it as proof of how “gullible and stupid” I am. Someone I don’t have to explain myself to. Someone I don’t need to defend myself to. Someone I don’t have to prove anything to. Someone I don’t need to repeat myself  over and over again to. I am so tired of that song and dance as I’ve done it all my life. I am special and have gifts and am worthy of love and if someone cannot see that? They don’t deserve me.

Once you SEE your own self-worth, everything changes. Shake those fleas off your body and find those who deserve your majesty and KNOW your Worth. You are not small. You are bigger than life and your best friends will see that and your communication with them will be effortless. Don’t do like me and wait until you’ve been beat down and condescended to ad nauseam before you realize that you’re not being seen and appreciated.

We are ALL wise, beautiful, talented, amazing souls. Once YOU see that in yourself, you will no longer tolerate those who don’t.

Good luck. This journey ain’t for sissies.

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